my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
