Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
