i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize