I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
