We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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