ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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