so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
