fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
