There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Who died my cat blue again?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
