i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
