Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
