apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
