I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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