You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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