woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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