Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
