Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
