I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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