she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
