some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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