My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We need to rekindle our bromance
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
