Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
