I'm gonna have a badass scar
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
