I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
