I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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