mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
