fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
