I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
