As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
