At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You are the jesus of drinking
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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