He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
