Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
