There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
