There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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