Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
