She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
ttyl tear gas
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
