You work out of a Hotel?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
