apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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