If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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