On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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