oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
