The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
