I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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