Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize