New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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