dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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