Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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