Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
