you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
