Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
