Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
