On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
