some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize