JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
