mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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