I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
