i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
